Two Jokes

(1) POPE BENEDICT

Pope Benedict’s limousine driver says, “Excuse me, Your Holiness. Please get in the car so that we can leave.”
The Pope replies, “When I was a cardinal at the Vatican, they never let me drive. I’d like to drive today.”
The driver replies: “I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I can’t let you do that. I could lose my job. What if something happens?”
The Pope replies, with a smile, “Who is going to tell?”
Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back seat and the Pope climbs behind the wheel. As soon as the limousine leaves the airport the Pope accelerates the limousine to 205 kph. (kilometres per hour).
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” begs the driver. But the Pope keeps the accelerator to the floor. Suddenly, they hear sirens.
The driver moans, “Oh, Dear God. I’m going to lose my driver’s licence and my job!”
The Pope stops the car by the side of the road and rolls down the window as a cop (policeman) approaches. The cop looks at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and turns on his radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief”, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the policeman says, “I stopped a limousine going 205 kph.”
“So bust (arrest) him”, says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important”, said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “A senator?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “The Prime Minister?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Well,' says the Chief, “Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it's God!”
The Chief is even more surprised and curious, “What makes you think it's God?”
Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”

(2) CIA JOB INTERVIEW

The CIA had a job opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was
loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

MORAL: Women are extremely determined. Don't mess with them!